Saturday, September 24, 2005

Disaster used as backdrop

I read this in the newspaper today in READERS LETTERS, and thought it is well said. You all need to hear it.

If bush had stayed to form, he would have dropped into New Orleans in a helicopter basket wearing a fireman's uniform for his speech. It is truly fitting this president once again use disaster as a backdrop.
With his poll numbers dropping faster then the water in New Orleans, his speech did nothing to give the American people faith in his leadership.
And give me a break, he had the audacity to say his first commitment was to look after the Gulf Coast residents' immediate needs. I have news for him: He was 15 days too late.
A disaster of this magnitude requires a strong federal response, and no amount of trying to "share the blame" is going to take away from the federal government's failures.
The only thing I agreed with in his speech was that the failure was his responsibility. One thing his administration has done is brought the country closer to God, as we prey nightly to deliver us from evil until he is gone.

I think this person feels like I do: We're living in a joke. How stupid do they think we are? They only really care about making more and more money, ( we're talking billions ), for themselves and their very rich friends. The scary thing is it is not funny, people are dying!
and bush calls himself a christian. Satan must be proud!

Monday, September 19, 2005

O.K. lets change the subject

Rusty had to go to Dallas for work. Too close to the bush crime family for me. That whole family bothers me. Can't the country see that daddy bought a job for one of the sons that can be seen in public...... (barely, he's pretty stupid),( they don't talk about the other brothers, Why?), so as to regain their profit power. Bill Clinton's win surprised the hell out of them, thanks to Ross Perot for doing well in 92. So they had to get dirtier in their tricks. Now watch out for jeb in 2008. their money lust is powerful and will stop at nothing. Or will they recruit another puppet like they did with dan quayel. When they saw that danny boy would never be elected, they put the only two sons, that they can talk openly about, ( remember the S & L scandals of the 80's, Enron was not the first time they tried this trick ), in gorvenerships, giving them an instant political history. Not to mention pandering to the religious fanatics. Without whom no one would vote for w. All my life I was taught, the Pilgrams came here to escape religious intolerence. Then I went to Europe and heard another version, the pilgrams were thrown out for being so intolerent. Seems we're stuck with their desendants. It makes sence to hear both sides of a story. Then naming dick halliburton as a v.p. running-mate, come-on! Wake up, this is not good for America. This is why the world hates us, not because of our freedoms ( which they're chiseling away ), but because we are stupid and let them get away with all the lies and the greed. Makes me sick! If they hate us because we are free what about the other free people in the world, why don't they hate them? Oh wait, the other free people hate us too. No not us, our regime, that forces their way on them.
daddy bush had to pardon the Iran/Contra crooks so as not to bring to light his crimes in that affair (out of the loop, yeah right). Will w have to pardon himself, or just the ones who are really running things?
But now I must go, as you can see I have no opinions about this.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

So sue me

I 'm not sure why, but I seem, compelled to keep talking about my accident. I guess to let it out. For a while it has not been easy to explain how I feel. The words were not there.
No, there were no words for these feelings. They had no language. They are wordless feelings.
Is that what I am doing now? giving them words?
And why? This is not known why my brain has dismissed what happened. Put me to sleep? Not to face what was just about to happen? A truck coming right at me. Did I see something so unbelievable it scared the shit out of me? In an instant I am about to die. Do you even have time for a thought? Did I even see it?
I was hit broadside, on the drivers side, by a guy running a red-light at 50 miles an hour. He didn't hit my door, he hit my engine. I was driving. I'm not dead, and I don't know why. I don't like saying that. WHY?
I want to give credit where credit is do. The trauma team saved me. But what do I do with my head now thats it's trying to put it all together?

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Just one more to get off my chest.

Now I know what it is like to be born again. Coming out of a comma is my born again experience, and I guess you can say it was spiritual? Getting in touch with ones humanity is a spiritual experience. I don't remember the accident or much immediately before it. I do remember we had dinner at a friends house just days before, but only when I was reminded of it. That could be my age. I can be boy to some.
What I can recall after the crash is being showed the ex-ray of my shoulder replacement. It was hard to believe, but they had pictures and I had stitches. I was surprised to hear that I was in an accident. I was? Why don't I remember? They told me the date, but that meant nothing to me. Then I was told how long I was out. Really? Come-on!, How could that be? WHAT?
They did release me home to Rusty and the kids (my dogs) . I remember being in the kitchen and taking some drugs, that is it. Rusty says that was bad, way too soon, they should not have. I wouldn't stay in bed, and I was not supposed to take those drugs on the counter; those were for later, and I had bad balance. I fell in the bathroom, cut my head above my eye. Rusty had to put a barrier around the bed to be an alarm so it would wake him if I tried to get up out of bed again. He got no sleep. He called one of our neighbors who is a doctor. "Please help! I can't do this. "She arranged to put me back in, not in the hospital, but in a rehabilitation home. He said that I said I was just glad it wasn't the hospital, which I was told, was very uncomfortable for me with all that had been done to me. I am sure the brain protects one from these traumatic experiences . Thank God!
Healthsouth gave me a room with a roommate, and a bed with a screen around it that zipped from the outside, to keep me in. They had no choice ; they had been warned, I was a walker. Not a problem, I don't want to be trouble. They did let me out in the mornings with the days planned to help make me better. I was told where to go, what to do. I could do this, until..... My physical therapist put all these pieces of ripped-up foam around the floor and said, "pick-em-up", well I get dizzy pick-en-up things, so I kicked them all together, and picked them up all at once, reaching down only one time. "Here". " I wanted you to do it one at a time; to check your balance, see if you got dizzy." Well just ask me; "I do", or tell me what you want, I am trying to get my head back together. I was proud, I came up with a solution. This became an issue for me. Now I was pissed! Rusty said "let it go." But it was all I had, my world was not that big.
A week later Rusty brought me home. Healthsouth gave me a good report. His balance has improved, and he should be able to think more clearly now. I hope I do. I asked Rusty how did you know that it was time. "I missed you and need you home, besides you begged me."

Friday, September 09, 2005

I guess I am not quite done.

Then there was the eye problem. That is another ordeal. I had double vision for awhile.
When I would tell people, often the response would be....... "you mean you see two of me"? Well it wasn't THAT bad. Each eye saw things at different angles, at a slant. 4th nerve damage I was told. Horizontal lines were the worse, door frames, pictures on the wall, reading. I had to wear an eyepatch, which I hated. One time in a store, a little girl said, "I have never seen a pirate before". I got a lot of double takes out in public. It was easier just to close one eye when I needed to see something more clearly. The doctor said it could take a year to clear up, and if it didn't it probably won't ever. Great!
Well Rusty my partner, surprised me with a trip to San Francisco. Our hometown. I would get to see my friends and my mother. He got us a room at the Hyatt Regency, right at the start of Market street. WOW. Actualy we have stayed there before, and the room we had before, turned out to have been exactly one floor below us. Here at home in Tuscon we don't have that many horizontal lines. We live out in the desert, with mountains in the horizon, but in downtown San Francisco there are nothing but horizontal lines. The different floors of the building right out our balcony, the Bay Bridge, all the buildings!, everywhere. I thought I would go mad. Rusty is a sweetheart, he apologized as if it was his fault. "I never thought of this, I'm so sorry." I told him to knock it off. I was just thrilled he did this in the first place. This trip is just what I needed. He warned me at every curb, stair, any step what-so-ever. He was watching me like I was an old lady, and I was greatful like you wouldn't believe. It was a little scary, all the activity of the city, we're pretty left alone at our house, the neighbors are noy very close.
I do credit San Francisco with starting the healing of my vision, looking out on that balcony each day focusing on the sites ( horoztal lines ), being in my city, with my man. Thats healing! The conditions were right! I started noticing my vision reparing towards the end of our trip.
As the days went on it got better and better. At home in Tucson, my doctor tested me and confirmed it. When I gave the credit to San Francisco he said I don't think so; but I do.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

More about the affects of the accident

It is difficult to describe to people about hitting your head. Ok they call it brain damage. I can tell there is something not right. I used to think there is nothing that I can't do. Now I feel the limitations. I have a overwelming feeling of dread, worry, and confustion that is hard to share with people even my own lover. Anti-deprestion pills help. He's been Great, he has taken good care of me, and he was the one who has suffered right after the accident, because I was unconcious. He had to see me in the hospital, wonder if I was going to live? what to do next? Then deal with me when I was released. I was out of my head, I didn't know anything, and I would say crazy things. I was told some of what I said and what I thought......... bazaar. On one phone conversation with my partner, when I was still in the the rehabillitation home, I told him that he HAD to come get me, because they were parading us around like trained chickens! Another time I saw him through a window, talking to a woman , they looked like they had known each other, I didn't know her. Then I thought , am I seeing things, so I made sure that I did, in fact see this. I walked outside and there was no one there, just him. Two days later he took me back to the rehabillitation home to see if I remembered it ( I did, but just parts), and when we went to leave we were walking through the lobby, he saw the restroom and said he needed to use it. I said that I would sit in a chair there and wait, I would be fine. While I was sitting, my head started playing with me. Maybe he was not in the restroom, Maybe I was still there, checked in. I remembered two days before. I panicked, I ran into the restroom, he was drying his hands. He asked what's wrong? I tolded him. How could these things be going on in my head? and there is more, I can't even say. What is happening? If someone would tell me about these stories before my accident, I don't know that I would understand or could imagin this kind of stuff happening, it's crazy. I am now more sencitive to others. this is good, we all should be. I didn't think that I was not. The brain is an amazing organ. I know that I will still need to heal. Doctors have told me it takes time, but I think comming home has spead up the healing. I do feel much better, and I can tell there still is something up. People say that I am acting more normal, if that's good?
The kids (dogs) have been great. Do they know? Some how they seem to. What would I have done without my family? Thank you! I love you!

Monday, September 05, 2005

1st post

ok I am on the world wide web. watch out world. Bobo is leaving. We had a great visit, now he is going back to his home and boyfriend. I will miss him. Now back to work, busy,busy,busy.